San Francisco Chronicle columnist Joan Ryan recently wrote: "It is said that we never really leave high school. The workplace is high school with cubicles. Our neighborhoods are high school with cocktail parties." But she left out motherhood, which in my experience is by far the biggest high school scene, 
ever!
I found this article on TidewaterParent.com titled "Mommy Cliques – Are You In or Out?" (By L. Finneran) who told a story of Kate, a Air Force mom who recently PCSed to Hampton Roads. She said Kate took her 2 year old to a Hampton park, and when she saw a group of moms with kids about her daughters age, she quickly approached them and tried to strike up a conversation, but quickly felt like the odd mom out. “They just seemed very clique-y” she said, “I talked to them a little bit, but I realized they had their own clique and I wasn't part of it.”
Finneran went on to explain that Kate's case wasn't unique, "While often associated with teenage girls, experts say cliques, tight knit and seemingly impenetrable groups of girls or women, are alive and well among moms. While their children play or are at school, the moms meet, bond and socialize, often becoming so close that they exclude others, making it difficult or impossible for other moms to break into the circle. Cynthia Eller, professor of women's studies at Montclair State University, said her first experience with mom cliques was when her daughter was a baby 13 years ago. “I went to my first mommy and baby group, and it seemed the rules among the moms there were written in stone, and it reminded me of another time in life when we were going through very powerful changes,” Eller said. “Mothering was a one-way ticket back to high school.” ... Becoming a mother and going through adolescence are similar in that both are major life changes, a time when a woman often redefines herself. Which could be why women who in their teens felt like outcasts have a hard time breaking into cliques as moms and vice versa. “Who you are in high school certainly bares a resemblance to who you are in your 30s, 40s, and 50s,” said Janice Sanchez, chairwoman of the psychology department at Old Dominion University.
If you haven't heard of the book Queen Bees & Wannabes, you obviously don't have a teenage daughter, or sister in my case, it was the the inspiration for the 2004 movie Mean Girls. Author, Rosalind Wiseman recently did an interview with Parenting Magazine where she riffs on the mom clique world. Wiseman says she's often approached by moms saying "You know, this Queen Bee stuff doesn't end in high school. Our faculty/PTA/staff/office is so cliquey. You really need to write about how adults act just like they did in high school." In the Parenting Magazine article, Wiseman assigns labels to moms - Queen Bees, Sidekick Moms, Starbucks/Sympathy Moms, Torn Wannabes and Desperate Wannabes, Steamrolled Moms, Reformed Moms, Floater Moms, and a category for those moms that are "the left out" crowd. I found this all incredibly interesting (I mean obviously, I'm spending an hour blogging blogging about it). As I read through the following descriptions I could put a face and name to each... Some mom I've encountered in the past three years... And some that I shamefully believe that I have or possibly currently do fall under. (The following descriptions are paraphrased from Wiseman's Parenting Magazine article)
♦ Queen Bee Moms appear to have perfect lives.
♦ They're often very charming, and they really, really like being in charge.
♦ They're often coaches, class parents, or heads of the PTA.
♦ The hallmark of a Queen Bee Mom isn't that she's in a leadership position (not all class parents are Queen Bees); it's that she has to be in control.
Tell-Tail Signs:
♦ She organizes her child's social activities 24/7; no free time allowed.
♦ If other parents don't like her, "that's because they're jealous."
♦ If someone else is in charge of something, it's because the Queen Bee Mom has explicitly permitted it, and even then, whatever "it" is, it has to be done her way.
♦ She's skilled at telling confidential sad/bad stories about another parent, child, or teacher, but she doesn't see this as gossiping. She shares the hard-luck story with the understanding that the person in question should be pitied, but her not-so-hidden message is that the person is pathetic, incompetent, or a social liability.
♦ When she or her child includes you or your child, you feel special. On the other hand, if you or your child has a run-in with her or her child, your dread of dealing with the situation propels you right back to junior high.
♦ She's a believer in the "let's let the kids work it out" parenting philosophy -- until it's her kid who's being wronged.
♦ She won't apologize for her child's behavior. She sees other children as overly sensitive.
♦ If she or her child does apologize for something, they expect a return apology: "Well, I'm so sorry that you took it the wrong way."
♦ Queen Bee Moms aren't dangerous to you or your child as long as you don't challenge them.
♦ They're often their own worst enemy, though, because they can't admit when they need help or feel overwhelmed.
Sidekick Moms
♦ These moms define themselves in relation to a more powerful peer.
♦ They are second in command beneath the Queen Bees.
A Sidekick Mom typically:
♦ Organizes her child's calendar so he or she is in the same activities as the Queen Bee Mom's child.
♦ Forces her child (she would say "encourages") to be friends with the Queen Bees in the class or the child of the Queen Bee Mom.
♦ Finds any opportunity to share her child's latest accomplishments but is careful not to overshadow the Queen Bee's child.
♦ Is very much a believer in the "let's let the kids work it out" parenting philosophy - until it's her child who's being wronged. (Just like Queen Bee Moms.)
♦ Won't usually apologize for her child's behavior unless the "wronged" child or his or her parents are considered to have higher social status, or there is no social or other cost. Then she is graciousness personified.
♦ Is very focused on getting her child into the "right" activities and classes and sees her motivation as based solely on acting in the best interest of the child.
♦ Joins in when other parents gossip about another child, parent, or teacher.
♦ Can start gossip but looks to the Queen Bee Mom for affirmation.
Starbucks & Sympathy Moms
♦ They're very smart but also good at hiding it.
♦ Their strength is figuring out where other mothers feel vulnerable, gathering that information, and spreading it around when it's most advantageous to themselves.
♦ Queen Bee Moms are also fond of using gossip strategically, but they're more clearly trying to run the show.
♦ Starbucks & Sympathy Moms are happy to have their power and position based solely on their ability to wield power behind the scenes.
Wannabe Moms are looking for opportunities to raise their stock in the social marketplace - which often means selling someone else short. They're apt to support you in private but say nothing or even take the opposite stance in public.
Torn Wannabes
♦ They know better but can't help themselves
♦ They are unpredictable and frustrating
♦ She's the mom who privately supports you when you're in conflict with someone but abandons you at the moment of confrontation
♦ She never tells you exactly what she thinks. It's not that she's deliberately being deceptive; usually she genuinely doesn't know what she thinks because she wants to please the person in front of her or the one with the most power.
♦ She's a conflict avoider, but when she can't escape, she can be really nasty.
Desperate Wannabes
♦ She doesn't realize when her actions don't match her purported values.
♦ But at least she's predictable.
♦ She'll always please the person with the most power, and she will always back her up.
♦ She frets a lot about whether she, and by extension her child, is keeping up.
♦ She name drops, a lot.
♦ She's a conflict avoider, but when she can't escape, she can be really nasty.
Steamrolled Moms
♦ She sacrifices her needs and judgments because she wants to avoid conflict
♦ She's the one who's always saying, "Whatever you want is fine." She's unlikely to stand up for what she thinks is right because she's afraid to offend and wants to be "nice."
♦ She's been so beaten down by the relationships in her life that she doesn't think she can speak out.
♦ When she does get up the courage to say something, she's likely to salt her words with apologies.
♦ When she hears gossip from other parents, she'll stay silent even if she disagrees. Then later, she'll rehearse all the things she wished she'd said.
Floater Moms
♦ They can move easily from one group to another without arousing resentment.
♦ They embody "nice popularity" in that they're genuinely liked for who they are.
A lot of moms fall into this category, but here's the catch: You might assume that Floaters are generally the peacekeepers, but this role isn't exclusive to them. In fact, I've seen Queen Bee Moms become peacemakers because they have the power to call an armistice. This is because Floater Moms have the understandable attitude that they already went through this ridiculous drama when they were girls -- and they're not going to waste their time on another parent who still acts like she's running for prom queen.
Reformed Moms
♦ They are able to analyze their behavior and make improvements when and where necessary.
♦ These moms (especially the ones who used to be Queen Bees) often have the best sense of humor.
♦ Reformed Queen Bees have kept all their positive attributes (they're charismatic, fun to be around, intelligent, capable, and can make fun of themselves) and lost most of the attributes that made everyone (including themselves) miserable.
♦ Reformed Moms aren't just former Queen Bees, there also Sidekicks, Wannabes, and Outcasts walking around who have become genuinely amazing women you'd want as friends as you go through parenthood.
♦ This doesn't mean that Reformed Moms don't have moments when they revert to old behavior, but when they're called on it, they can admit it, apologize if necessary, and move on.
♦ They are well-meaning parents who attend school functions but never, ever say a word.
♦ They have a few close friendships with other Invisible parents.
Outcast Moms
♦ They don't live in the "right" neighborhoods or go to the "right" church, or are raising their children alone.
♦ A woman who goes through a divorce, particularly when her financial stability suffers, can easily find herself an Outcast.
♦ These moms would be invisible but for characteristics that highlight their differences.
♦ They might be gay parents living in politically conservative communities, or people of a minority religion.
♦ But they can also be conservative parents who send their children to more liberal schools because of their academic excellence, or religious people in a secular community.
♦ Outcast Moms are vulnerable to dismissal or attack even if they don't speak out or call attention to themselves.
♦ Outcast Moms can also enjoy the freedom of not having to worry about their social pecking order, which means they can sometimes take the risk of speaking out
I honestly don't buy into the popular credo that there is a "Mommy War", but the mom clique? It's so very real! Mom cliques are in your face, everyday; At ballet, at the park, at birthday parties. You start to wonder when folks will ever really grow up. By highlighting these articles I'm in hopes that we can better understand what motivates us. If you identify yourself or someone you know here, it doesn't mean that you or she is doomed to stay that way for the rest of your lives. It can be difficult for adults to change, but when we do, it's usually because we've come to realize our role is hindering our ability to have honest relationships.
ever!I found this article on TidewaterParent.com titled "Mommy Cliques – Are You In or Out?" (By L. Finneran) who told a story of Kate, a Air Force mom who recently PCSed to Hampton Roads. She said Kate took her 2 year old to a Hampton park, and when she saw a group of moms with kids about her daughters age, she quickly approached them and tried to strike up a conversation, but quickly felt like the odd mom out. “They just seemed very clique-y” she said, “I talked to them a little bit, but I realized they had their own clique and I wasn't part of it.”
Finneran went on to explain that Kate's case wasn't unique, "While often associated with teenage girls, experts say cliques, tight knit and seemingly impenetrable groups of girls or women, are alive and well among moms. While their children play or are at school, the moms meet, bond and socialize, often becoming so close that they exclude others, making it difficult or impossible for other moms to break into the circle. Cynthia Eller, professor of women's studies at Montclair State University, said her first experience with mom cliques was when her daughter was a baby 13 years ago. “I went to my first mommy and baby group, and it seemed the rules among the moms there were written in stone, and it reminded me of another time in life when we were going through very powerful changes,” Eller said. “Mothering was a one-way ticket back to high school.” ... Becoming a mother and going through adolescence are similar in that both are major life changes, a time when a woman often redefines herself. Which could be why women who in their teens felt like outcasts have a hard time breaking into cliques as moms and vice versa. “Who you are in high school certainly bares a resemblance to who you are in your 30s, 40s, and 50s,” said Janice Sanchez, chairwoman of the psychology department at Old Dominion University.
If you haven't heard of the book Queen Bees & Wannabes, you obviously don't have a teenage daughter, or sister in my case, it was the the inspiration for the 2004 movie Mean Girls. Author, Rosalind Wiseman recently did an interview with Parenting Magazine where she riffs on the mom clique world. Wiseman says she's often approached by moms saying "You know, this Queen Bee stuff doesn't end in high school. Our faculty/PTA/staff/office is so cliquey. You really need to write about how adults act just like they did in high school." In the Parenting Magazine article, Wiseman assigns labels to moms - Queen Bees, Sidekick Moms, Starbucks/Sympathy Moms, Torn Wannabes and Desperate Wannabes, Steamrolled Moms, Reformed Moms, Floater Moms, and a category for those moms that are "the left out" crowd. I found this all incredibly interesting (I mean obviously, I'm spending an hour blogging blogging about it). As I read through the following descriptions I could put a face and name to each... Some mom I've encountered in the past three years... And some that I shamefully believe that I have or possibly currently do fall under. (The following descriptions are paraphrased from Wiseman's Parenting Magazine article)
♦ The Entitled ♦
Queen Bee Moms♦ Queen Bee Moms appear to have perfect lives.
♦ They're often very charming, and they really, really like being in charge.
♦ They're often coaches, class parents, or heads of the PTA.
♦ The hallmark of a Queen Bee Mom isn't that she's in a leadership position (not all class parents are Queen Bees); it's that she has to be in control.
Tell-Tail Signs:
♦ She organizes her child's social activities 24/7; no free time allowed.
♦ If other parents don't like her, "that's because they're jealous."
♦ If someone else is in charge of something, it's because the Queen Bee Mom has explicitly permitted it, and even then, whatever "it" is, it has to be done her way.
♦ She's skilled at telling confidential sad/bad stories about another parent, child, or teacher, but she doesn't see this as gossiping. She shares the hard-luck story with the understanding that the person in question should be pitied, but her not-so-hidden message is that the person is pathetic, incompetent, or a social liability.
♦ When she or her child includes you or your child, you feel special. On the other hand, if you or your child has a run-in with her or her child, your dread of dealing with the situation propels you right back to junior high.
♦ She's a believer in the "let's let the kids work it out" parenting philosophy -- until it's her kid who's being wronged.
♦ She won't apologize for her child's behavior. She sees other children as overly sensitive.
♦ If she or her child does apologize for something, they expect a return apology: "Well, I'm so sorry that you took it the wrong way."
♦ Queen Bee Moms aren't dangerous to you or your child as long as you don't challenge them.
♦ They're often their own worst enemy, though, because they can't admit when they need help or feel overwhelmed.
Sidekick Moms
♦ These moms define themselves in relation to a more powerful peer.
♦ They are second in command beneath the Queen Bees.
A Sidekick Mom typically:
♦ Organizes her child's calendar so he or she is in the same activities as the Queen Bee Mom's child.
♦ Forces her child (she would say "encourages") to be friends with the Queen Bees in the class or the child of the Queen Bee Mom.
♦ Finds any opportunity to share her child's latest accomplishments but is careful not to overshadow the Queen Bee's child.
♦ Is very much a believer in the "let's let the kids work it out" parenting philosophy - until it's her child who's being wronged. (Just like Queen Bee Moms.)
♦ Won't usually apologize for her child's behavior unless the "wronged" child or his or her parents are considered to have higher social status, or there is no social or other cost. Then she is graciousness personified.
♦ Is very focused on getting her child into the "right" activities and classes and sees her motivation as based solely on acting in the best interest of the child.
♦ Joins in when other parents gossip about another child, parent, or teacher.
♦ Can start gossip but looks to the Queen Bee Mom for affirmation.
Starbucks & Sympathy Moms
♦ They're very smart but also good at hiding it.
♦ Their strength is figuring out where other mothers feel vulnerable, gathering that information, and spreading it around when it's most advantageous to themselves.
♦ Queen Bee Moms are also fond of using gossip strategically, but they're more clearly trying to run the show.
♦ Starbucks & Sympathy Moms are happy to have their power and position based solely on their ability to wield power behind the scenes.
♦ Middle of the Pack ♦
Torn Wannabes and Desperate WannabesWannabe Moms are looking for opportunities to raise their stock in the social marketplace - which often means selling someone else short. They're apt to support you in private but say nothing or even take the opposite stance in public.
Torn Wannabes
♦ They know better but can't help themselves
♦ They are unpredictable and frustrating
♦ She's the mom who privately supports you when you're in conflict with someone but abandons you at the moment of confrontation
♦ She never tells you exactly what she thinks. It's not that she's deliberately being deceptive; usually she genuinely doesn't know what she thinks because she wants to please the person in front of her or the one with the most power.
♦ She's a conflict avoider, but when she can't escape, she can be really nasty.
Desperate Wannabes
♦ She doesn't realize when her actions don't match her purported values.
♦ But at least she's predictable.
♦ She'll always please the person with the most power, and she will always back her up.
♦ She frets a lot about whether she, and by extension her child, is keeping up.
♦ She name drops, a lot.
♦ She's a conflict avoider, but when she can't escape, she can be really nasty.
Steamrolled Moms
♦ She sacrifices her needs and judgments because she wants to avoid conflict
♦ She's the one who's always saying, "Whatever you want is fine." She's unlikely to stand up for what she thinks is right because she's afraid to offend and wants to be "nice."
♦ She's been so beaten down by the relationships in her life that she doesn't think she can speak out.
♦ When she does get up the courage to say something, she's likely to salt her words with apologies.
♦ When she hears gossip from other parents, she'll stay silent even if she disagrees. Then later, she'll rehearse all the things she wished she'd said.
Floater Moms
♦ They can move easily from one group to another without arousing resentment.
♦ They embody "nice popularity" in that they're genuinely liked for who they are.
A lot of moms fall into this category, but here's the catch: You might assume that Floaters are generally the peacekeepers, but this role isn't exclusive to them. In fact, I've seen Queen Bee Moms become peacemakers because they have the power to call an armistice. This is because Floater Moms have the understandable attitude that they already went through this ridiculous drama when they were girls -- and they're not going to waste their time on another parent who still acts like she's running for prom queen.
Reformed Moms
♦ They are able to analyze their behavior and make improvements when and where necessary.
♦ These moms (especially the ones who used to be Queen Bees) often have the best sense of humor.
♦ Reformed Queen Bees have kept all their positive attributes (they're charismatic, fun to be around, intelligent, capable, and can make fun of themselves) and lost most of the attributes that made everyone (including themselves) miserable.
♦ Reformed Moms aren't just former Queen Bees, there also Sidekicks, Wannabes, and Outcasts walking around who have become genuinely amazing women you'd want as friends as you go through parenthood.
♦ This doesn't mean that Reformed Moms don't have moments when they revert to old behavior, but when they're called on it, they can admit it, apologize if necessary, and move on.
♦ The Left Out ♦
Invisible Moms♦ They are well-meaning parents who attend school functions but never, ever say a word.
♦ They have a few close friendships with other Invisible parents.
Outcast Moms
♦ They don't live in the "right" neighborhoods or go to the "right" church, or are raising their children alone.
♦ A woman who goes through a divorce, particularly when her financial stability suffers, can easily find herself an Outcast.
♦ These moms would be invisible but for characteristics that highlight their differences.
♦ They might be gay parents living in politically conservative communities, or people of a minority religion.
♦ But they can also be conservative parents who send their children to more liberal schools because of their academic excellence, or religious people in a secular community.
♦ Outcast Moms are vulnerable to dismissal or attack even if they don't speak out or call attention to themselves.
♦ Outcast Moms can also enjoy the freedom of not having to worry about their social pecking order, which means they can sometimes take the risk of speaking out
I honestly don't buy into the popular credo that there is a "Mommy War", but the mom clique? It's so very real! Mom cliques are in your face, everyday; At ballet, at the park, at birthday parties. You start to wonder when folks will ever really grow up. By highlighting these articles I'm in hopes that we can better understand what motivates us. If you identify yourself or someone you know here, it doesn't mean that you or she is doomed to stay that way for the rest of your lives. It can be difficult for adults to change, but when we do, it's usually because we've come to realize our role is hindering our ability to have honest relationships.
