Mom-isms

When you first become a parent, you’re often bombarded with quotes on motherhood and child-rearing and some of them are very helpful, but more often than not they are so out-of-date that it’s difficult to understand what they even mean. That’s why I’ve taken 20 of the top parenting quotes and tacked on a bit at the end to make them slightly more contemporary.

 

You’re welcome!

“Always kiss your children goodnight -- even if they're already asleep.” That way you can make sure they’re still breathing and haven’t turned onto zombies during the night.

“Mother knows best.” Unless she’s trying to get you to commit arson for her. Then it might be a good idea to leave home. But first maybe take some notes. It never hurts to know a little bit about arson.

“A mother has eyes in the back of her head.” In the form of a nanny-cam implanted in your childhood teddy bear on your shelf. 

20 Things you probably shouldn't say to your child...

Last week CNN ran a story called "9 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Your Child." Personally, I was surprised that they could only think of nine, but I assumed that I could guess them all without even reading their post. So I wrote down my list of things that I thought you should never say to your kid and turns out their list of prohibited things included stuff like “Don’t be sad” and “Great job!” My list included things like, “Of course you can go play with those bears” and “Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper. ” I suppose CNN and I will just have to agree to disagree on this one. But while we’re on the subject, I’d like to share with you my list of things you probably shouldn’t say to your child. (Feel free to add your own in the comments.)

The Anti-Tiger Mother

Raising children is an exhausting business. They require feeding, dressing and a seemingly endless supply of answers to pointless questions. Each day is a challenge, calling upon me as a mother to summon every last reserve of patience and energy as I nag, bribe, wipe noses/butts and guide them through the obstacles of their young life. Frankly, it’s a ­wonder I have any time left to do anything for myself. Oh, wait a minute, I don’t. Do I dislike any of this? Of course I do. But it’s all part of the territory of bringing up children, and I like to think that being a good mother is about making sacrifices.

So while I may be a more of anti “tiger mother”, I don’t consider myself a bad parent. But it seems I’m deluding myself. According to Yale Law School Professor Amy Chua, I’m falling way short of the mark. She has written Battle Hymn Of The Tiger Mother to prove that what matters when it comes to parenting is not just the job of parenting itself. Oh, no. The fact that your children are fed, watered, healthy and happy is of ­little consequence, apparently. What’s important in China, she argues, that children raised by overbearing and exceptionally strict Chinese mothers are superior (yes, she uses that word) to other children. Chua also claims that a child’s success in the vast array of extra-curricular activities you are expected, as a parent, to not only provide, but to cram down their throat. Frankly, It’s an approach to motherhood that, I personally don’t have the energy to explore.

Free Online Tutoring for Military Families

WASHINGTON (NNS) -- Free and unlimited tutoring in a variety of subjects ranging from secondary education mathematics to resume writing is now available online for all service members and their families.

A new service provided by the Department of Defense matches youths and adults with certified, professional tutors at http://www.tutor.com/military-programs. Tutors can assist students in more than 16 subjects - from kindergarten to college-level calculus, statistics and physics - as well as state standardized tests and the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) and American College Testing (ACT) exams. The website always matches one student with one tutor, an individual certified in the student's subject and level of education. Students and tutors will meet in an interactive workspace through a chat session. An uploaded book report, for example, can be opened in the workspace, allowing both student and tutor to review the material. Specialized workspaces for subjects such as math or chemistry include toolbars with functions for creating equations, charts and graphs.

2010 Scholarships for Military Children Program opens TODAY!

October 29, 2009
By Tammy L. Moody,DeCA marketing and mass communication specialist

FORT LEE, Va. – The holidays are fast approaching, and they can be a fun family time as children away at college come home, and other students get their holiday break. It’s also a time for students and parents to apply for the 2010 Scholarships for Military Children Program that opens in November.

Scholarship applications will be available Nov. 3 in commissaries worldwide and online through a link at https://www.commissaries.com and directly at http://www.militaryscholar.org. Since the program began in 2000, it has awarded $7.3 million in scholarships to almost 5,000 children of service members.

The Nov. 3 scholarship kickoff coincides with National Military Family Month, and is an example of commissaries supporting their local communities by helping to improve the quality of life for military families, said Defense Commissary Agency Director and CEO Philip E. Sakowitz Jr.

“Being part of something that makes higher education more affordable for military families is thrilling, as we feel it makes a better future possible for their children,” he said. “The program awards $1,500 scholarships to well-rounded, accomplished service members’ children, enabling these families to save some on their children’s tuition.”

Only dependent, unmarried children, younger than age 21 (age 23 if enrolled as a full- time student at a college or university) of active duty personnel, Reserve, Guard and retired military members, survivors of service members who died while on active duty, or survivors of individuals who died while receiving retired pay from the military may apply for a scholarship. Eligibility is determined using DEERS, the Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System database. Applicants should ensure that they, as well as their sponsor, are enrolled in the DEERS database and have a current ID card. The applicant must be planning to attend, or already be attending, an accredited college or university full time in the fall of 2010, or be enrolled in a program of studies designed to transfer directly into a four-year program.

Applicants should prepare to submit an essay on the following topic: “You can travel back in time; however, you cannot change events. What point in history would you visit and why?” Applications must be turned in to a commissary by close of business Feb. 17. At least one scholarship will be awarded at every commissary location with qualified applicants.

The scholarships program is administered by Fisher House Foundation, a nonprofit organization that provides assistance to service members and their families. Scholarship Managers, a national, nonprofit, scholarship management services organization, manages and awards the scholarships. Commissary vendors, manufacturers, brokers, suppliers and the general public donate money to the program, and every dollar donated goes directly to funding the scholarships.

Check us out on the Web: http://www.commissaries.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Defense-Commissary-Agency/131694158961?ref=ts and http://twitter.com/TheCommissary
About DeCA: The Defense Commissary Agency operates a worldwide chain of commissaries providing groceries to military personnel, retirees and their families in a safe and secure shopping environment. Authorized patrons purchase items at cost plus a 5-percent surcharge, which covers the costs of building new commissaries and modernizing existing ones. Shoppers save an average of more than 30 percent on their purchases compared to commercial prices – savings worth about $3,300 annually for a family of four. A core military family support element, and a valued part of military pay and benefits, commissaries contribute to family readiness, enhance the quality of life for America’s military and their families, and help recruit and retain the best and brightest men and women to serve their country.

Education

Nearly 1 million military children attend public school in districts operated by local educational agencies. School officials increasingly are working to make the transition easier for military children when they move from one school to another because a military parent changes duty stations.

Groups such as the Military Child Education Coalition and the Military Impacted Schools Association have been working with schools on a variety of issues related to military children. Defense officials also have begun working with school districts that want to learn more about helping military children in transition and in dealing with aspects of the military lifestyle.

Some schools operated by local public school districts are physically located on military installations; but the Defense Department also operates schools on some military bases.

DOD EDUCATION ACTIVITY

Schools for children of service members and Defense Department civilians are located on a number of installations. The Department of Defense Education Activity (DoDEA) oversees these facilities, grouping them into two systems: the stateside Domestic Dependent Elementary and Secondary Schools (DDESS) and the overseas Department of Defense Dependents Schools (DoDDS). All schools within DoDEA are fully accredited by U.S. accreditation agencies.

Domestic schools. The Defense Department operates 64 DDESS schools, mostly elementary, at 17 installations in seven states, Puerto Rico and Cuba, with more than 2,300 education professionals serving about 26,000 students, according to November 2007 DoDEA statistics. The schools offer pre-kindergarten through 12th grade for eligible children who live on posts or bases.

Overseas schools. DoDDS-Europe operates 90 schools in five districts — Bavaria, Heidelberg, Isles, Kaiserslautern and Mediterranean — and serves about 38,000 school-age children of active-duty military and federal civilian employees.

DoDDS-Pacific serves more than 23,000 students enrolled in 45 schools across Japan, South Korea, Okinawa and Guam.

DoDDS is free for children of service members and federal civilian employees. Enrollment is guaranteed for “command-sponsored” children, those for whom the active-duty member has official approval to bring family members overseas at government expense. Children without command sponsorship can enroll for free if space is available. Nonmilitary children also can enroll if space is available, but they must pay tuition.

All DoDDS high schools are accredited by the North Central Accreditation Commission on Accreditation and School Improvement. DDESS high schools are undergoing a phased accreditation by the NCA-CASI.

Beginning with the 2007-08 school year, the DoDEA high school graduation requirement is 26 credits for students, up from 24.

Special education programs. DoDEA provides free education to all students with disabilities who are entitled to enroll in the military’s overseas and stateside schools. The school system serves children with mild to severe disabilities. Programs are offered for children with learning, physical, communication or emotional impairments.

Preschool services are provided for disabled children as young as 3. Active-duty members must enroll children with disabilities in the Exceptional Family Member Program, which helps ensure the child’s educational and medical needs can be met.

All the services have the Exceptional Family Member Program, but they’re organized differently. The Army and Marine Corps have EFMP advocates in installation family centers, while the Navy and Air Force have EFMP programs and special-needs coordinators in their medical treatment facilities.

Contact: Department of Defense Education Activity, 4040 N. Fairfax Drive, Arlington, VA 22203-1635. Overseas schools, (703) 588-3051; Special education office, (703) 588-3148; http://www.dodea.edu

MilitaryStudent.org. The vast majority of military children attend civilian schools, and many make a transition every few years to another school when their military parent transfers to a new duty location. The Defense Department Web site http://www.militarystudent.org is designed for students, parents, educators and military officials, with information to help all those involved make the transition easier for the student, whether the child attends schools operated by the Defense Department or public school districts.

Military Child Education Coalition. Parents, students and educators can find a wealth of information about specific state requirements and other military children’s education issues at this group’s Web site, http://www.militarychild.org.

The MCEC looks at everything that affects education or other opportunities for military children from birth through post-secondary school — from emotional challenges related to school transitions or the deployment of a parent, to differences in state policies that make it difficult to transfer from one school to another.

All the military services, along with many school districts that educate large numbers of military children, participate in the coalition. The MCEC’s focus on partnerships encourages such flexible practices as helping a student meet graduation requirements when transferring late in a high school career.

MCEC’s SchoolQuest, at http://www .SchoolQuest.org, is an online tool for families on the move who want to learn about future schools that may fit the needs of their children. It asks questions about relocation plans and each school-aged child’s educational needs, then sorts through a database compiled by a team of researchers to present resources, contact information and transition advice about the school districts and schools that serve the selected military community.

SAT/ACT preparatory programs. Military families can get a free SAT or ACT preparatory program through a donation by professional football players who are part of the Victory Sports Group. Visit http://www.militaryhomefront.dod.mil; click on “Free SAT/ACT Prep Materials.”

Family resources: Child Care

The Defense Department Child Development Program is the largest employer-sponsored child care program in the country, serving some 200,000 children from newborn to age 12. It includes child development centers, family child care homes and school-age care programs on and off installations.

The Defense Department and services are working to expand existing facilities at locations with long waiting lists and high deployment rates.

In support of the war effort, the services have extended hours of operation and, in some cases, paid for extra child care for members who work extended hours, have shifts changes or have child care emergencies.

Child development centers:
Centers generally are open 6 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. Monday through Friday. Many offer hourly care for medical appointments and other needs, but space is limited and reservations are usually required.

Each center must meet standards for curriculum, safety and health.

Fees are calculated on a sliding scale based on total family income. The Defense Department sets a minimum and maximum fee range, and individual installations can set their fees anywhere within those ranges.

For the current school year, families in the lowest annual income category, up to $28,000, pay $43 to $62 a week, regardless of the child’s age. The highest range, for those with total family income of $70,001 or more, is $107 to $129 a week.

In-home care:
Spouses can become licensed to provide child care in their homes. In-home providers set their own fees. In some cases, installation commanders subsidize in-home providers so military families pay fees in line with those charged in centers. Most, but not all, providers live on base.

School-age care:
These programs for children ages 6 to 12 are held before and/or after school, during holidays and over summer breaks in youth centers, child-development centers and in-home child care. The Defense Department sets fee guidelines for this care.

Youth programs:
The military offers youth programs that focus on alternative activities during out-of-school hours. More than 350 programs exist worldwide, many in partnership with the Boys and Girls Clubs of America, 4-H and other organizations.

Programs usually include physical fitness and sports; arts; recreation; training in leadership, life skills and career/volunteer opportunities; mentoring, intervention and support services. Some programs offer help in finding summer jobs.

Fees are charged to offset the cost of activities.

Mommy Cliques

San Francisco Chronicle columnist Joan Ryan recently wrote: "It is said that we never really leave high school. The workplace is high school with cubicles. Our neighborhoods are high school with cocktail parties." But she left out motherhood, which in my experience is by far the biggest high school scene, ever!

I found this article on TidewaterParent.com titled "Mommy Cliques – Are You In or Out?" (By L. Finneran) who told a story of Kate, a Air Force mom who recently PCSed to Hampton Roads. She said Kate took her 2 year old to a Hampton park, and when she saw a group of moms with kids about her daughters age, she quickly approached them and tried to strike up a conversation, but quickly felt like the odd mom out. “They just seemed very clique-y” she said, “I talked to them a little bit, but I realized they had their own clique and I wasn't part of it.”

Finneran went on to explain that Kate's case wasn't unique, "While often associated with teenage girls, experts say cliques, tight knit and seemingly impenetrable groups of girls or women, are alive and well among moms. While their children play or are at school, the moms meet, bond and socialize, often becoming so close that they exclude others, making it difficult or impossible for other moms to break into the circle. Cynthia Eller, professor of women's studies at Montclair State University, said her first experience with mom cliques was when her daughter was a baby 13 years ago. “I went to my first mommy and baby group, and it seemed the rules among the moms there were written in stone, and it reminded me of another time in life when we were going through very powerful changes,” Eller said. “Mothering was a one-way ticket back to high school.” ... Becoming a mother and going through adolescence are similar in that both are major life changes, a time when a woman often redefines herself. Which could be why women who in their teens felt like outcasts have a hard time breaking into cliques as moms and vice versa. “Who you are in high school certainly bares a resemblance to who you are in your 30s, 40s, and 50s,” said Janice Sanchez, chairwoman of the psychology department at Old Dominion University.

If you haven't heard of the book Queen Bees & Wannabes, you obviously don't have a teenage daughter, or sister in my case, it was the the inspiration for the 2004 movie Mean Girls. Author, Rosalind Wiseman recently did an interview with Parenting Magazine where she riffs on the mom clique world. Wiseman says she's often approached by moms saying "You know, this Queen Bee stuff doesn't end in high school. Our faculty/PTA/staff/office is so cliquey. You really need to write about how adults act just like they did in high school." In the Parenting Magazine article, Wiseman assigns labels to moms - Queen Bees, Sidekick Moms, Starbucks/Sympathy Moms, Torn Wannabes and Desperate Wannabes, Steamrolled Moms, Reformed Moms, Floater Moms, and a category for those moms that are "the left out" crowd. I found this all incredibly interesting (I mean obviously, I'm spending an hour blogging blogging about it). As I read through the following descriptions I could put a face and name to each... Some mom I've encountered in the past three years... And some that I shamefully believe that I have or possibly currently do fall under. (The following descriptions are paraphrased from Wiseman's Parenting Magazine article)

♦ The Entitled ♦

Queen Bee Moms
♦ Queen Bee Moms appear to have perfect lives.
♦ They're often very charming, and they really, really like being in charge.
♦ They're often coaches, class parents, or heads of the PTA.
♦ The hallmark of a Queen Bee Mom isn't that she's in a leadership position (not all class parents are Queen Bees); it's that she has to be in control.
Tell-Tail Signs:
♦ She organizes her child's social activities 24/7; no free time allowed.
♦ If other parents don't like her, "that's because they're jealous."
♦ If someone else is in charge of something, it's because the Queen Bee Mom has explicitly permitted it, and even then, whatever "it" is, it has to be done her way.
♦ She's skilled at telling confidential sad/bad stories about another parent, child, or teacher, but she doesn't see this as gossiping. She shares the hard-luck story with the understanding that the person in question should be pitied, but her not-so-hidden message is that the person is pathetic, incompetent, or a social liability.
♦ When she or her child includes you or your child, you feel special. On the other hand, if you or your child has a run-in with her or her child, your dread of dealing with the situation propels you right back to junior high.
♦ She's a believer in the "let's let the kids work it out" parenting philosophy -- until it's her kid who's being wronged.
♦ She won't apologize for her child's behavior. She sees other children as overly sensitive.
♦ If she or her child does apologize for something, they expect a return apology: "Well, I'm so sorry that you took it the wrong way."
♦ Queen Bee Moms aren't dangerous to you or your child as long as you don't challenge them.
♦ They're often their own worst enemy, though, because they can't admit when they need help or feel overwhelmed.

Sidekick Moms
♦ These moms define themselves in relation to a more powerful peer.
♦ They are second in command beneath the Queen Bees.
A Sidekick Mom typically:
♦ Organizes her child's calendar so he or she is in the same activities as the Queen Bee Mom's child.
♦ Forces her child (she would say "encourages") to be friends with the Queen Bees in the class or the child of the Queen Bee Mom.
♦ Finds any opportunity to share her child's latest accomplishments but is careful not to overshadow the Queen Bee's child.
♦ Is very much a believer in the "let's let the kids work it out" parenting philosophy - until it's her child who's being wronged. (Just like Queen Bee Moms.)
♦ Won't usually apologize for her child's behavior unless the "wronged" child or his or her parents are considered to have higher social status, or there is no social or other cost. Then she is graciousness personified.
♦ Is very focused on getting her child into the "right" activities and classes and sees her motivation as based solely on acting in the best interest of the child.
♦ Joins in when other parents gossip about another child, parent, or teacher.
♦ Can start gossip but looks to the Queen Bee Mom for affirmation.

Starbucks & Sympathy Moms
♦ They're very smart but also good at hiding it.
♦ Their strength is figuring out where other mothers feel vulnerable, gathering that information, and spreading it around when it's most advantageous to themselves.
♦ Queen Bee Moms are also fond of using gossip strategically, but they're more clearly trying to run the show.
♦ Starbucks & Sympathy Moms are happy to have their power and position based solely on their ability to wield power behind the scenes.

♦ Middle of the Pack ♦

Torn Wannabes and Desperate Wannabes
Wannabe Moms are looking for opportunities to raise their stock in the social marketplace - which often means selling someone else short. They're apt to support you in private but say nothing or even take the opposite stance in public.

Torn Wannabes
♦ They know better but can't help themselves
♦ They are unpredictable and frustrating
♦ She's the mom who privately supports you when you're in conflict with someone but abandons you at the moment of confrontation
♦ She never tells you exactly what she thinks. It's not that she's deliberately being deceptive; usually she genuinely doesn't know what she thinks because she wants to please the person in front of her or the one with the most power.
♦ She's a conflict avoider, but when she can't escape, she can be really nasty.

Desperate Wannabes
♦ She doesn't realize when her actions don't match her purported values.
♦ But at least she's predictable.
♦ She'll always please the person with the most power, and she will always back her up.
♦ She frets a lot about whether she, and by extension her child, is keeping up.
♦ She name drops, a lot.
♦ She's a conflict avoider, but when she can't escape, she can be really nasty.

Steamrolled Moms
♦ She sacrifices her needs and judgments because she wants to avoid conflict
♦ She's the one who's always saying, "Whatever you want is fine." She's unlikely to stand up for what she thinks is right because she's afraid to offend and wants to be "nice."
♦ She's been so beaten down by the relationships in her life that she doesn't think she can speak out.
♦ When she does get up the courage to say something, she's likely to salt her words with apologies.
♦ When she hears gossip from other parents, she'll stay silent even if she disagrees. Then later, she'll rehearse all the things she wished she'd said.

Floater Moms
♦ They can move easily from one group to another without arousing resentment.
♦ They embody "nice popularity" in that they're genuinely liked for who they are.
A lot of moms fall into this category, but here's the catch: You might assume that Floaters are generally the peacekeepers, but this role isn't exclusive to them. In fact, I've seen Queen Bee Moms become peacemakers because they have the power to call an armistice. This is because Floater Moms have the understandable attitude that they already went through this ridiculous drama when they were girls -- and they're not going to waste their time on another parent who still acts like she's running for prom queen.

Reformed Moms
♦ They are able to analyze their behavior and make improvements when and where necessary.
♦ These moms (especially the ones who used to be Queen Bees) often have the best sense of humor.
♦ Reformed Queen Bees have kept all their positive attributes (they're charismatic, fun to be around, intelligent, capable, and can make fun of themselves) and lost most of the attributes that made everyone (including themselves) miserable.
♦ Reformed Moms aren't just former Queen Bees, there also Sidekicks, Wannabes, and Outcasts walking around who have become genuinely amazing women you'd want as friends as you go through parenthood.
♦ This doesn't mean that Reformed Moms don't have moments when they revert to old behavior, but when they're called on it, they can admit it, apologize if necessary, and move on.

♦ The Left Out ♦

Invisible Moms
♦ They are well-meaning parents who attend school functions but never, ever say a word.
♦ They have a few close friendships with other Invisible parents.

Outcast Moms
♦ They don't live in the "right" neighborhoods or go to the "right" church, or are raising their children alone.
♦ A woman who goes through a divorce, particularly when her financial stability suffers, can easily find herself an Outcast.
♦ These moms would be invisible but for characteristics that highlight their differences.
♦ They might be gay parents living in politically conservative communities, or people of a minority religion.
♦ But they can also be conservative parents who send their children to more liberal schools because of their academic excellence, or religious people in a secular community.
♦ Outcast Moms are vulnerable to dismissal or attack even if they don't speak out or call attention to themselves.
♦ Outcast Moms can also enjoy the freedom of not having to worry about their social pecking order, which means they can sometimes take the risk of speaking out

I honestly don't buy into the popular credo that there is a "Mommy War", but the mom clique? It's so very real! Mom cliques are in your face, everyday; At ballet, at the park, at birthday parties. You start to wonder when folks will ever really grow up. By highlighting these articles I'm in hopes that we can better understand what motivates us. If you identify yourself or someone you know here, it doesn't mean that you or she is doomed to stay that way for the rest of your lives. It can be difficult for adults to change, but when we do, it's usually because we've come to realize our role is hindering our ability to have honest relationships.