Wednesday, September 16, 2009

To be a fly on the wall...

I was reading through a post on a mommy forum I'm a member of, I happened upon this thread. I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard, and I simply had to join the fun. Sometimes I just have to wonder what on earth someone would think if they bugged my house... Or just my child for that matter, and had a voice recording of the things that come out of my mouth each day. I mean, what would you think? I've been trying to keep a tally of a few things over the past couple days and here are some of the phrases I've caught myself saying:

"Put that drill down this instant!"

"Get your hand out of your pants!"

"How do you think it made him feel when you kicked him in the head like that?"

"Why is there urine in this?"

"Quit ringing the bloody doorbell, I told you you need to stay outside!"

"I hope for your sake this is Gatorade"

"Would you like it if I poured water all over your face? Then don't do it to him!"

"I really think a total stranger could care less about your bowl movements."

"What are my tampons doing in there?!?"

"Too bad that's not legal in the state of Virginia. No not because they're three, because they're both girls. Sorry, you might want to consider moving to Vermont. Yeah Vermont, I hear they have good maple syrup. No, I'm not making you pancakes at 9pm."

"Where on earth did your pants and underwear go?"

"If you're going to eat dirt just don't use the stick."

"Why don't you sit on the toilet and see if you can squeeze something out."

"Do your ears work?"

"Just because he did it, doesn't mean it's ok to pee on the step"

"He really doesn't need to know where your nibble is"

"Please don't put your hand down my shirt like that."

"Put that knife down very slowly and don't ever, ever touch it again."

"No, those are Mommies. Just leave them alone! No you do not have a boo-boo. No just drop it, that's NOT what they're used for."

"Pull down your dress, the neighborhood doesn't need to see that."

"Please don't eat the grass. Because it's not food! Okay, because it's not people food. I know he did, but that still doesn't make it okay for you."

"Because it isn't polite to answer the door with no clothes on, that's why."

"Would you stop calling her an old lady, she's 10!"

"Stop using that finger. No you're not, it means something totally different!"

"I don't care if the dog does it! Stop sniffing my butt!"

What about you? What crazy things have you heard coming out of your own mouth?

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