Things You Don't Have To Get Me For My Baby Shower

Motherhood Uncensored had me cracking up with this post. I had to share!

Over here we're gearing up for (local) The Baby Shower. As is the custom in this part of the country, the baby shower is given by loved ones and is a mandatory 'surprise' event. (Mine is going to be June 3rd, but don't tell anyone for pete's sake, it's a seeeeecret.)

And although I am very grateful that people will come and [waste] spend a beautiful summer weekend day at a shower, just to give me a gift for this baby, I'll be so close to my due date that I'm not going to have a whole lot of time to *ahem* make returns. So, just to get out in front of this situation, I put together a helpful little photo list of things that no one has to get me for my shower.

You know. My un-registry.

Item #1: Anything that is Pink-Baby-Camo

No offense to the lovers of the camoflage, whatever color it may be. I rocked it hard in the eighties, too, I swear. It's just that--it's camo. And well, it's pink. I suppose it would make my girl hard to spot among the war-torn peonies but, eh. I'm not feeling it.

Item #2: Weird Disembodied Baby Parts

Uh. This is quite the keepsake, eh? When I'm looking back, reminiscing, trying to remember how small she once was, I suppose I might want to caress a 3D baby hand made of cold, chalky plaster--Or re-nibble those perfectly casted toes. Hmm. On second thought, maybe I'll just keep that tiny baby onsie, thankssomuch.

Item #3: Black Vinyl Nursing Apparati

Despite the fact that you can sit on a park bench and nurse during a rain storm in this poncho, I am thinking it might not be the most comfy option for the bebe. Plus, it looks a little like Batgirl just got banged hard in a dark broom closet and came out into the light with her cape all fucked up and twisted around. I hate when that happens.

Item #4: Plastic 'Deterent' Devices

Am I the only one who finds this concept ridiculous? I mean who in the hell is going to put this bulky, plastic sheenanigan over their kid's thumb, just to get her to stop sucking it? I mean, shit, why waste good money on something like that? Low tech is the way to go. For example, to solve almost any behavior problem, the only 'devices' you really need are Tabasco Sauce and Duct Tape. Really. Solves almost any problem. (I'm going to have to write a book to pass on these pearls of parenting wisdom.)

Item #5: Over the Door Baby Hanger*

As sweet and peaceful as she looks, suspended there against the stall door, I'm going to pass on the 'stringing up' of my child. The way I figure it, she'll have p-l-e-n-t-y of time to explore the world of Bondage and Discipline when she's a consenting adult. With a good safe word. No need to get her started so young.

Item #6: Need I Title this One?

I absolutely mean no offense to those who swear by them, really. If you're still sporting them, that's great. It's just that I don't think I can bring myself to do it. Those front-pleated, ankle length, khaki colored nightmares don't look good on anyone, like ever. I put down my Cavaricci's for good, ladies, and I'm NEVER going back.